I heard a fantastic sketch by Bill Bailey recently. Made MB and me properly laugh out loud, but also made me think wryly about the nature of us Brits when it comes to speaking of our feelings.
Bill Bailey’s sketch was about us Brits answering the question: How are you? With
Not too bad…”
…regardless of how life ACTUALLY is. He then went on to talk about how we add a qualifier to that statement if things ARE indeed less than rosy:
Not too bad….all things considered.”
The sketch then continued to discuss whether the speaker had indeed considered ALL things…and it got ludicrous and very, very funny. You can see the whole thing on iPlayer if you need some humorous distraction.
But he has a point.
Because honesty is the best policy.
And yet, often when asked how we are, we give the classic answer:
Fine.”
Of course, it is not always practical nor wise to answer everyone who enquires as to how we are with the full, honest truth. For one thing, you would be there all day. And for another, we have layers of friendships with deepening connection and understanding of who is appropriate for us to share vulnerably and deeply with.
But being honest about how we are and what we are feeling helps develop authenticity in our relationships, as well as showing respect to the person asking. We are communicating that they matter to us, by choosing to share potentially vulnerable feelings. This also encourages the other person to talk honestly about themselves, creating depth and building trust.
A lack of honesty with ourselves and with others about how we really are and what is really going on can produce a serious internal/external disconnect. This can be exhausting to live with and can lead to isolation, and a cycle of negative thoughts about ourselves.
Choosing to be honest is not always easy, and takes courage. It is important to be discerning about who to open up with. But this past year has taught us a lot about the importance of connection and valuing other people.
Why honesty is the best policy post Covid
Honesty is identified as one of the key values that will benefit us and our communities, according to a recent article in the Guardian. Showing respect and being patient (where we were last week) are also aspects of honesty that bring depth and power.
There have been many shared difficult experiences and emotions locally and globally over these past months.
Anxiety, fear, sadness, loss, disorientation, frustration –
we have all felt these at many times over the past year.
And being honest with each other about our struggles with Covid, lockdowns, and all the associated and on going restrictions creates space for us to explore together how we are feeling. This opens up the way to mutual understanding and support and can bring a wider, more positive perspective.
As always, there is no judgement here. This is about being aware of how we are, reflecting on what we need, and choosing to be honest about that with those we know, love and trust.
And being an available and sensitive listening ear to the honest expressions of others, wherever they are in this process.
It is also important that we are honest with ourselves in relation to what we are doing with our time and what we feel we ‘should’ have achieved. When ‘shoulds’ and ‘oughts’ crop into our self talk, it is important to stop, notice WHY, what voices we are listening to, be honest with ourselves and give ourselves some grace. More on this here.
I have talked before on here about our own very personal lived experience of depression. You can read the whole story here. Often times, “fine” was indeed the default answer to how I was. Partly because of respect for MB and not wanting to – or knowing how to – talk about how things really were.
But also partly because of fear, shame, and lack of practice.
Read more about the fallout and lessons learned here.
Being honest about our mental health is more important than ever.
Having the courage to say to someone “actually I’m not OK, can you help” is a key attribute of being honest and an important one to take out of these last months.
So this week, notice your own self talk.
Where do you need to be honest with yourself?
And notice too how you are responding to others. Where can you choose to be honest, recognising that honesty is the best policy, and in so doing, create space and courage for others too.